Spyology
by Hunter Kitty
Summary: Soldier is sent to the Protection Institute of Specialized Spyanimals to learn about Spy Crabs and other assorted Spy-based anomalies.


Ever since his first day in the war, Soldier had been taught to shoot anything that was RED. Sometimes he would shoot the BLUs, but that was usually Pyro's job. For the sake of keeping his clothes scorch-mark-free, Soldier had only shot the obviously RED BLUs and left the rest for Pyro. Other than that, it was RED, RED, sometimes red, and then more RED.

So when he spotted the thing crawling into their base and saw its RED uniform, he didn't think twice before grabbing the launcher off his back, slipping a rocket in, and firing. The RED Spy (albeit a strangely flexible one) blew up into the usual gibs.

The resulting gasp from the BLU Soldier's teammates shocked him. "What?" he snapped at them, turning to face their shocked expressions. "It was just a Spy! That's what we're supposed to do!"

"That wasn't _just_ a Spy!" Scout exclaimed in horror.

"Well then what the hell do you think it was? A Sniper? A Heavy? Winston Churchill?"

"It was a Spy," Demoman explained, "but 'e was a Spy _crab_, boyo! Don'tcha know they're endangered?"

"Well," the Soldier fumed, "what's the difference?"

And so initiated the most awkward silence in BLU Team's history since they'd found a mistake in the files that claimed Engineer was female. Shortly following that was the most panicked situation in BLU Team's history since the previously mentioned mix-up.

"Bloody hell! Didn't you take the class?" Sniper exclaimed incredulously.

"How could you have been on our team this whole time and not _known_ this?" yelled the Engineer.

"Holy crap, we've been living with a psychotic killer dis whole time!" Scout shrieked.

Everyone but Soldier promptly freaked out. In a mere thirty seconds, the noise had grown to the level that the poor Announcer up in her office couldn't take it anymore.

"QUIET!" she screamed. The one word resounded through the base and continued to echo. Needless to say, everyone was quiet. When there was silence, the announcer calmly continued, "Would someone please tell me why you are all screaming instead of capturing their intelligence?"

"These nincompoops are upset because I killed their precious little enemy Spy!" Soldier explained.

"Not an enemy Zpy!" Medic corrected. "Ze dummkoph over zhere killed an innocent Zpy Crab!"

The announcer, usually a loud and demanding woman, went silent. "...He what?"

"He killed a Zpy Crab."

"The endangered kind?"

"Zey are _all_ endangered."

"For no reason?"

Medic nodded.

"Well then..."

Soldier, growing impatient, stomped his foot. "What's the big deal, anyway? I was merely eliminating enemy forces!"

No one even bothered to respond. In a moment, the Announcer took care of everything.

"WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" she shrieked, her voice nearly rupturing the eardrums of the poor BLUs. "GET OUT OF MY BASE! I WILL FIND YOU A TRAIN, GET YOU TO SCHOOL, AND YOU WILL LEARN EXACTLY WHAT A SPYCRAB IS AND WHY YOU DO NOT SHOOT IT."

Dejected and upset, Soldier trudged out of the base as ordered and waited. Eventually, the Announcer found a train. The train got Soldier to school where he would learn exactly what a Spycrab is and why he do not shoot it.

The train pulled into the station at the school. It wasn't so much of a school as it was a zoo. Even from where he sat on the train, Soldier could hear animal-like screeches and yells. Eager to get things over with and return to the battleground, he hopped off of the train and trotted over to the front door.

The large, wooden door creaked when he opened it. Above him, a small bell rang and announced his presence. Immediately, a man that looked extremely similar to the Sniper (aside from a lack of sunglasses and a more safari-like hat) appeared as if from nowhere with an enormous smile on his face.

"G'day!" the look-alike greeted enthusiastically. "Welcome to the Protection Institution a' Specialized Spyanimals! I'm Steve! I'll be yer guide for today! Ticket, please?"

Numbed by the extreme excitement and lack of gunfire, Soldier dug into his pocket for the ticket he'd received and handed it over. The guide didn't even look at it before he tore it in half, tossed both sides into a nearby garbage can, and continued his peppy speaking.

"The Spycrab!" he shouted, despite there being only one person listening from two feet away in a small lobby. "A majestic and magnanimous creature, the Spycrabs are sadly endangered by the many cruel hunters who hunt them for their pelts."

Before Soldier could ask, his guide continued, "However, the Spycrab is not the only Spyanimal in existence. It's merely the only harmless one. The others have a few safely protected groups to protect the species from extinction while allowing others to protect themselves without fear a' the law protecting the creatures. Follow me to a journey of exploration, discovery, and _learning!_"

Needless to say, Soldier wasn't looking forward to his journey of exploration, discovery, and learning. He preferred journeys of infiltration, victory, and killing. There was a big difference.

Nevertheless, when Steve walked off towards a door to the right and motioned for him to follow, Soldier marched along after him. The sooner he took the tour, the sooner he could go back to crushing those stupid RED maggots.

Steve skipped on through a blank, white, boring hallway with Soldier in tow, leading him past a multitude of other doors. None of the doors were labeled, but some of the sounds from within ceased any desire to peek at what lay within. The duo had been nearing the end of the hallway (which was finished with a large, steel door covered in dents from inside attempts to break out) when Steve suddenly stopped and moved towards the door on the left, a soothing hazelnut feature with a cheery, crayon sign naming it 'Spyanimal Habitat 42'.

"Here we have our famous Spyanimal habitat!" he announced. "We got all the little blokes in here safe an' sound."

"And protected?" Soldier added.

"And protected!" agreed Steve. "We've re-created one of the many environments that Spyanimals frequent so that they may enjoy a peaceful, protected living without fear of danger. For the protection of the Spyanimals, we recommend that ya help us protect 'em by leavin' your weapons, secondary weapons, thirdendary weapons, PDA systems, sappers, sports-related equipment, and other items that can easily or difficultly be used as weapons here at the door to be retrieved at a later time. Food items are allowed, but we ask that ya assist in protecting the Spyanimals by not feedin' the little buggers."

Though reluctant, Soldier unslung his rocket launcher and propped it up against the wall. He set his shotgun and shovel on the floor next to it before turning back to Steve. The guide continued to smile, and gestured at the grenades along Soldier's sash.

"They aren't active, comrade," Soldier explained hopefully, unwilling to give up all of his defenses.

"So are many volcanoes, but they can turn dangerous at any moment!"

"I don't plan on blowing up any of the little whatchamacallits in your fortress."

"Many attackers have said the same thing without truth behind their words!"

"B-but..."

"It's all for protection!"

Steve's unblinking stare and unwavering smile soon crushed any of Soldier's hopes. Grumbling angrily to himself, the BLU warrior removed the grenades and set them down along with his shovel and shotgun. After one last pat-down from Steve to be _absolutely sure_ he wasn't planning to horrifically maim any of the precious Spyanimals, he was permitted through the door.

The chosen Spyanimal habitat was quite familiar to Soldier, and he immediately found himself feeling out of place without his trusty launcher on his back. The door exited outside a garage with a tall metal fence separating them from a red fort. On the opposite of the red fort was a nearly identical blue fort. The two forts were separated by a river, and connected by a bridge. Soldier knew the land all too well.

"Hey!" he exclaimed. "This is exactly like the battlefield where I fight for my country against those RED maggots!"

"No battle here, mate!" Steve chirped, opening a gate in the large fence. "Only _protection_!"

The duo stepped into the sandy pen, and Soldier took a look around while Steve closed the gates. The outdoors weren't particularly crowded, but some of the Spyanimals could be spotted right away. Some splashing sounds from the water indicated that at least one Spyanimal was down in the sewers.

"Oh, wait!" Soldier said, one of the animals catching his eye. "Isn't that one a Spycrab?"

Steve followed Soldier's gaze and nodded. "He sure is!"

The deformed Spy, clad in a purple pinstripe suit, scuttled over to Soldier and bumped into his knees. It stared up with wide, puppy-dog eyes, gurgling a bit in some sort of Spycrab greeting. Even Soldier had to admit it was cute in a 'mutated-puppy-I-kinda-wanted-but-not-really' sort of way.

Clinging to the image of the puppy he was reminded of, Soldier hesitantly reached out and gave the little weird thing a soft pat on the head. It smiled up at him and gurgled in a manner that Soldier assumed (and hoped) was happiness.

"Aw, how cuu~uute!" Steve sang. "I think he likes you!"

"Er...Yes..." Soldier mumbled, flinching away when the Spycrab moved forward and attempted to lick his elbow. "Good."

"Spycrabs, while innocuous, are hated by many and kept endangered by that hatred. Thankfully, many sympathists, such as the workers here at the Protection Institution a' Specialized Spyanimals, help protect the species from total bloody extinction," continued Steve, reciting lines from memory. "Moving on to some of our other species..."

Soldier paled just a bit when he took a look around and spotted some of the 'species'. Goodness knew what was wrong with these poor spies. (How did they even come to _exist_, anyway?)

"That there is a Spymeleon!" indicated his guide, pointing towards a boney-looking Spy in the same purple as the Spycrab. The Spymeleon hid in a small corner outside the blue fort. Upon making eye-contact with Soldier, it panicked and fumbled a mask onto its face. Once it was cleverly disguised as a BLU Soldier, it glanced up again and resumed panicking, frantically changing disguises and going from invisible to visible repeatedly.

Steve shook his head, 'tsk tsk'-ing sadly at the sight. "The Spymeleon, so named for its desire to blend into its background, changes it's appearance upon being seen. Even a momentary glance can scare the poor guy."

"Thanks, Captain Obvious," Soldier muttered, watching as the Spymeleon went so far as to put on a purple Spy mask.

"You're quite welcome. Now if you'll look up, it appears as though the SpyBird is about to dive!"

"Sp–What?"

Doing as he was told and looking up to the battlements, Soldier felt his jaw drop when he saw the SpyBird. It was a Spy that would have looked absolutely normal had there not been an array of multicolored feathers duct-taped to its sleeves and a pink bicycle helmet strapped on its head. Soldier watched in shock as the Spy looked down momentarily, then leapt gracefully off the battlements.

For a moment, the SpyBird soared. Sadly, that moment was not enough for him to move very far forwards, and his majestic dive ended in an extremely painful face-plant.

"Is...Is it going to be okay?" Soldier croaked.

"A' course it is, ya silly lil' bugger!" Steve laughed. "The SpyBird believes wholeheartedly that he can fly from the battlements to roof of the bridge. He spends his days jumpin' off, crashin' down, and repeating." Even as Steve explained, the resilient little spy jumped to his feet, spat out some dirt (and possibly a tooth, though it was hard to see from a distance), then dashed back into his base to try, try again. Even as it ran into the base, the SpyBird flapped it's arms, ruffling his 'wings' as though preparing to fly again.

Soldier watched with some combination of fascination and bewilderment. "Why would you name that little disgrace after a bird if it can't fly?"

"We feel it improves his self-esteem. It encourages him to keep at it!"

Soldier watched as the deformity reappeared on the battlements and promptly made another attempt, this time getting slightly closer (though not enough to succeed). "That's a good thing?"

"Oh would you look at that!" Steve practically shrieked, conspicuously changing the subject and pointing to the opposite battlements. "It's the Koala-Spy!"

And there it was: yet another purple Spy sat upon the opposing side's balcony. Slowly, hesitantly, and ever-so-_carefully_, the Koala-Spy scooted its way over to what appeared to be a shoddy cardboard-cutout of a Sniper. Soldier watched intently while the thing leaned over and took a bite out of the cardboard ankle, gleefully munching on it with a smile that could make fangirls 'd'awww'.

"Is it supposed to eat that?" inquired Soldier as the Koala-Spy finished and decided to go for the cardboard toes.

"Of course!" was Steve's ever-cheerful reply. "That is one-hundred-percent organic cardboard fortified with nutrients to keep him strong, protect his bones, and keep his coat shiny!"

"I...see..." Soldier murmured while the Koala-Spy proceeded to drool cardboard onto the front of its suit jacket.

"The Koala-Spy is an adorable, nervous little creature. Like the Spymeleon, it fears for its own safety and so only attacks the targets that seem least likely to harm it. It seems unable to take risks, and won't go after anything but those funny-lookin' blokes in the odd hats. When desperate, however, they are also known to attack things that are large, slow, and stupid."

"Interesting."

Steve had just opened his mouth to continue his educational speech when a demented laugh pierced the air. Soldier nearly jumped out of his boots, while Steve merely grinned and swapped his mental notecards out.

"And that," he began while Soldier regained his composure, "was the call of the Laughing Spyena."

Soldier said nothing, allowing his guide to lead him within the red-coloured building. From within, he caught the sound of two sharp, metal _thwack_s and a robotic whirr. Intrigued, he followed Steve around the corner and into the sight of an amazing contraption.

It looked like a sentry gun, only its machine-turret had been replaced by a large cannon. In awe, Soldier had been about to inquire as to what it shot when the thing spurred to life. It jittered a bit, behaving similarly to an antique sprinkler, before taking aim at Soldier himself. (Steve had just _happened_ to be wearing a red shirt that day, classifying him as the machine's 'ally'.) Soldier hesitated, a deadly reaction on the field.

Fortunately, there was enough protection to keep him from being seriously hurt. With a wheezing, sputtering cough, the sentry-like device launched out its fearsome projectile. Soldier closed his eyes, bracing himself for impact.

"THAT," Steve yelled, forgetting his inside-voice as a well-fluffed pillow barreled into Soldier's chest and got dangerously close to tickling him, "is a marvel of engineering used to entertain some of our more fickle Spyanimals! As you can see, it is terribly fearsome, but harmless so as to insure their protection."

The humbled warrior snorted, sending a tiny feather flying. "I can see that."

"No worries, mate. It's only got one shot."

"_Thanks_." Had his helmet not been in the way, Soldier's stare could've frozen even the desert sand. "I was absolutely _terrified_."

"Sure thing!" Whistling a tune, Steve scooped the pillow off the floor and had just begun fluffing it when a purple blur scampered from the left door, inspiring the guide to gasp and shriek, "There it is!"

The Spyena, decked out in a purple suit and a badly-drawn Steve mask, dashed over to the Pillow-Cannon and hastily attached a buzzing sapper to the device. Once the sapper was sizzling away, the poor, depraved creature laughed a horse, raspy giggle before dashing back out of the room and up the stairs.

Behind the sentry, a robot wearing a dented yellow helmet spurred into action, gears clanking far louder than they should have. A moment later, a stiff steel arm rose up, wrench in hand, then smacked down against the sentry once, twice, three times. In just a few seconds, the sentry was good as new.

"And before you ask," Steve said, catching Soldier just moments before the words left his mouth, "no, we have no idea why he never sticks around to see things through. Our professional researchers believe it to be a matter of paranoia."

"_Just_ paranoia?" Soldier asked, staring quizzically when the Spyena poked its head out around the corner to peer at the result of its work (a.k.a. nothing).

"As far as we know," chirped Steve. "Now, let's move along. If we're lucky, we might get to see a _Spark_!"

Soldier didn't reply, he merely marched behind his guide back out to the outdoors area. He followed Steve back out to the river where they stared down into the murky, algae-layered water. Every ten seconds or so, the water around one of the corners would ripple for just a moment before settling down again.

"That's him taking a breath," Steve explained. "Contrary to his fish-derived name, the Spark cannot breathe underwater."

"Fascinating." Soldier muttered. "Can I go home now?"

"Don't you want to see him eat? Feeding time is just a minute or two away!"

"I think I've learned plenty."

"_Look! Look!"_ Just as Soldier had turned to leave, Steve wrapped an arm around his shoulder and dragged him back to the edge. From the fake-sky ceiling, a large cardboard Heavy drifted down and landed in the water. It had only a moment to enjoy the pool before the Spark attacked.

The empty space in the corner fizzed, and another purple Spy materialized. With exaggerated fury, he leapt at his prey and sunk his teeth into the soft, tasty, and completely-organic Heavy's skull. It would have been a much more gruesome scene had it not looked so much like a puppy's first attempts at teething.

"Fascinating," Soldier said. "Now I really have to get goin–what was that?"

The water had rippled again, this time by the pipe opposite the feeding Spark. At the very rim of the sewer tube, Soldier spotted the briefest flicker of a purple octopus tentacle.

Steve laughed, but it didn't seem nearly as annoyingly cheerful. "Oh, that? That's nothing. Don't you worry about it, no sense worrying about nothing, oh gee we're about to close for today, right this way, please!"

"Hey! You're avoiding my question, maggot!"

"Don't you have a battle to get to?"

Soldier paused. "Oh, right, I do!"

"Don't wanna be late!"

"Absolutely not! Men of my standards are impeccably punctual!"

"Good!" Steve pulled his guest along by the wrist, bringing him back to the door. The Spy Crab, in a final burst of love-fueled energy, bounced forward and gave Solder's elbow a good-bye kiss as the duo left the habitat.

Steve continued to herd Soldier through the hallway, back to the entrance, and even out to the bus. "I hope you had a good time!" he chirped. "It was a pleasure having you! Come again soon! Our coupons are in the Sunday papers!"

"O-okay!" Soldier stuttered, straightening up and marching on the bus. As the doors closed, he turned back and offered Steve a salute. The guide grinned and warmly returned the gesture.

Once the bus turned the corner, Soldier retracted a few fingers and replaced his salute with an 'L'. "So long, maggot."

"Hey!" Scout exclaimed, loud enough for the whole base to hear and come running down the stairs. "Soldier's back!"

"Izzat all?" Sniper sighed. "Damn, wake me up fer somethin' interestin' next time."

Within a few minute, Scout had gathered everyone else and brought them out front, where they greeted Soldier with half-hearted 'hello's and even less enthusiastic waves.

"Zo." Medic was the first to speak up after the petty introductions. "Did you learn anyzhing?"

"Yes!" Soldier boasted. "Don't shoot anything that looks possibly endangered!"

Medic nodded. "Good."

"Hey, awesome!" Scout exclaimed. "Now you can go look at the sewers! There's this purple-tentacle crap cloggin' it up!"

Soldier blinked once, then twice, then tilted his head to the side. "Weird tentacles?" he asked. "Aren't they endangered?"

* * *

A/N: Fun Fact: Steve's name came from the Blues Clues guy.

Anyway, I haven't been keeping up with TF2 fiction lately, so hopefully this is a new idea. Someone yell at me if this has been done before.


End file.
